


navigating darkness (with you)

by sheithposting (orphan_account)



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Short Chapters, Sibling Incest, the raphmikey is honestly more of a side ship but it gets relevant enough to earn a tag, the summary isn't even a summary i'll change it once i come up with something better
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:00:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26013775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/sheithposting
Summary: in the darkness, leo became his light.
Relationships: Donatello/Leonardo (TMNT), Michelangelo/Raphael (TMNT)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 51





	1. Chapter 1

Donnie thinks the hardest part of their father’s death was seeing the way it fragmented their family as a whole. He can see it in the little things, the way Mikey seems to force himself to smile more than he usually does, the way Raph locks himself in his room with far more frequency, the silence that follows when Splinter’s name is mentioned.

But most of all, he sees it in the way Leo’s light has slowly faded away. He worries for all of his siblings, but Leo has him concerned the most. Donnie has noticed him pushing himself harder than he should. He doesn’t seem to eat as much as he used to and most of the time he’s training by himself, which Donnie finds to be an unhealthy combination,

He has also noticed Leo’s tendency to stay up. Probably because he shares the same toxic habit.

He’s glad to see Raph and Mikey seemed to be coping well with their loss. It brings warmth to his chest seeing how much they’d started to rely on each other. When Mikey needed company, Raph was always there and vice versa. They almost seemed inseparable. He found it amusing how Raph kept on denying their closeness and insisted instead that he couldn’t stand his younger sibling. But Donnie knew better. He was attentive and it didn’t escape him how Raph often had a look of adoration in his eyes whenever he stared at Mikey. Donnie thought it was sweet.

It made him relieved to know they had each other. Despite how much he cared for them, Donnie knew he wouldn’t be able to look after them both when he barely could look after himself. He also didn’t need Leo worrying about that when he always looked like he was about to explode from stress.

He really only had time to feel concerned about Leo. Not even himself.

He was very clearly not doing great and someone had to do something before it got worse. But Donnie didn’t know what to do, and so he just stared and got more and more worried with each day that passed.

He felt guilty for just staring as Leo slowly destroyed himself, but what could he do? He’d never been good at handling emotional problems.

It makes him feel useless. 

Donnie sometimes thinks the reason he has gotten so fixated on Leo it’s to avoid thinking about all that’s wrong with himself. Wasn’t it hypocritical to want for Leo to take better care of himself when Donnie was incapable of doing the bare minimum? Donnie could barely sleep for four hours straight and spent most of his time isolating himself inside his lab the way Leo did with the dojo. Maybe he was just projecting and instead of focusing so hard on what Leo did, he should take care of himself first. But he never did that. He always stayed awake, thinking about how empty he felt inside and always remembering Leo’s misery.

Donnie lets out a dark chuckle. It suddenly hits him how pathetic his position is. He decides to go get a glass of water, in hopes of that maybe clearing his mind. He shakes his head trying to keep himself awake and gets up. He hasn’t left his lab in hours.

When he’s out, it shocks him when he sees Leo half asleep on the couch. He looks at him with pity and immediately feels guilty. It’s not like he’s doing any better.

Donnie hesitates a few seconds and finally decides to go sit next to him. Leo doesn’t notice his presence until he’s already by his side.

“Uh, hi.” Donnie says in an awkward tone. He suddenly realizes they hadn’t talked in months, despite how much he seemed to have him on his mind. “Are you okay?”

Leo has a blank expression on his face. It takes him a few seconds to process what Donnie is asking him.

“I… yeah, i’m fine, just a little tired.” he says in a low voice, offering Donnie an obviously forced smile.

Donnie frowns.

“No, you’re not.” he says getting up and extending his arm to Leo. “C’mon, you don’t look like you can walk on your own. I’ll take you to your bed.”

“Uh…” Leo stares at him in doubt. “I don't-”

“I wasn’t asking.”

Leo seems caught off guard at Donnie’s firm voice. He hesitates for a few more seconds until finally getting up. He’s so tired he can barely stand on his feet, almost falling as soon as he has gotten up. Donnie’s somehow quick enough to catch him.

“S-sorry.” Leo mumbles embarrassed. Donnie imagines he dislikes the idea of being so vulnerable in front of someone else.

“Don’t worry, it’s fine.”

Donnie doesn’t know how but he manages to get to Leo’s room while supporting his brother’s body with his own. He’s as exhausted as Leo is, but thanks to some strange miracle they make it safely. He carefully places Leo on top of the bed and gives him a comforting smile when he sees the look of embarrassment on his face.

“Hey, it’s fine. We’re here now, see?” he tells him as he takes off Leo’s mask. It shocks him when he sees his eye bags. In all of his life, he never imagined he would see his older brother like that. “You look terrible.”

He almost feels bad for saying that, but Leo laughs at the comment.

“Oh, yeah?” Leo says, pulling from Donnie’s own mask with force. “Look who’s talking. You look like a panda.”

“Oh, shut up.” Donnie rolls his eyes. “We’re both disasters.”

“Yeah. I guess, we are.” Leo says, his lips curving into a soft smile. Donnie can’t tell if the expression is genuine and the uncertainty frustrates him.

“Alright, have a good night, Leo.”

“Wait!” Leo stops him right before he turns to leave. “Can you… can you stay here? You- you don’t have to, of course, but i just… i don’t want to be alone.”

Donnie blinks in shock at Leo’s sudden display of vulnerability. He never expected to hear those words coming from Leo, let alone to have them directed at himself.

“Oh. Of course.” he replies, trying to not show how strange he finds the request. He gets on his brother’s bed and settles next to him. They look into each other’s eyes and an awkward silence fills the room.

“Thank you.” Leo finally says. “I’ll try to sleep now.”

“Good.”

“You should get some rest too.”

“I will.” Donnie promises.

Leo closes his eyes and Donnie can’t help but stare. He could never tell Leo how fascinating he finds him to be. Ever since they were kids, he always knew his older brother was something special. He was brave, kind and selfless in a way Donnie would never be. Despite their lack of closeness, Donnie always silently looked up to him.

But this side of Leo was new. It was him at his lowest, it was the dark side he never allowed anyone to see. And yet, there he was, staring at it directly.

Was it weird to feel pride in that? 

He slowly starts to close his eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fandom is dead and my writing is shit but its 2020 aka the worst year of human history and i do what i want so have some turtle incest.


	2. Chapter 2

When Donnie wakes up he finds himself pressed against his older brother. He wants to move and get out of bed, but Leo's arms are wrapped around him and he wouldn't want to wake him up. It wasn't anything else, really. He just wanted to be a good sibling and took Leo's well being seriously. The poor guy hadn't slept in ages and Donnie simply wanted him to be well rested.

So he doesn't move. He closes his eyes and nuzzles against his brother's chest, trying not to think about how strangely comfortable it felt. They hadn't cuddled since they were kids. He did with Mikey sometimes, because he was the only one to never grow out of that phase and while Donnie was sometimes overwhelmed by Mikey's enthusiasm, he didn't mind doing little things like that, and the others seemed to feel the same. But Leo and him? This was unthinkable. Donnie loved all of his siblings but he would lie if he said he and Leo were close. He always had the hardest time connecting with him and there was always this sense of tension and awkwardness when it was just them in the room. And yet there he was, with his cheek pressed against Leo's chest, listening to his calm, slow breathing.

Surprisingly, it feels nice. For the first time in months, his chest is filled with something other than pain.

"Good morning." Leo mumbles as he opens his eyes. It doesn't take long for his expression to change from the dizzy confusion of waking up to the embarrassment of finding yourself doing something you shouldn't. "Oh, god, sorry. This is probably weird to you, i'm really sorry-" 

"No! It's okay!" Donnie says quickly before Leo gets a chance to pull away "It's just like when we were kids. It's alright."

"But… you don't like this stuff, i know you."

"Well, it doesn't feel bad. I don't mind it. Do you?"

Leo bites his lip.

"I don't."

"Then we're good."

An awkward silence settles and Donnie finds himself getting nervous. He doesn't know what he should do, so he just stares into Leo's eyes as they stare back into his own.

"I hadn't slept like that in months." Leo tells him.

"I know, you think i haven't noticed how awful your sleeping schedule is?"

"Come on, what about you? I haven't seen you take a nap in what feels like forever."

Donnie lets out a chuckle.

"Then i guess this was helpful to the both of us. I slept really well last night. I needed that."

"Then maybe you should sleep with me more often."

Donnie considers the suggestion in his head. He thinks about it carefully and he finds that he doesn't mind the idea. It's weird, considering their lack of closeness, but Leo somehow had helped him sleep and Donnie clearly did the same for him. Who would it hurt if they got a little closer? Raph and Mikey had done the same and it seemed like it had helped them. Maybe now more than ever they needed to stick together. Wasn't that what being a family was all about?

"I like that idea."

They stay inside the bed in silence for another hour, and when Leo presses him close, Donnie decides to not push back.

It wasn't his fault if Leo's arms felt great when they were wrapped around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is rlly short and not so great but it is what it is 😔


	3. Chapter 3

The second night he spent with Leo, Donnie could feel anxiety building up in his chest. Their first night had been a completely accidental thing, something none of them had planned and Donnie couldn't have predicted that it would happen. It just did, and even then he struggled to understand how. Their first night was just a result of their confusion, their exhaustion and the fact that Donnie was in the right place at the right time.

But this? This they had complete control over. This wasn't just the mistakes of two teenagers who hadn't slept in months and acted irrationally because of it, this was something they were completely conscious of and something they had both decided to do. And Donnie didn't know what it meant. Sleeping with Leo the first time was one thing, he didn't go into his room hoping for that to be the result, Leo was just tired and scared and so was Donnie. It could have been a weird one time thing that they never spoke of and yet it wasn't. Donnie struggled to understand why.

When Leo announced loudly that he would be going to bed (to the surprise of both Raph and Mikey) he made sure to stare directly into Donnie's eyes as he did. Without thinking, he nodded and it hit him harder than ever what he was about to do.

He was going to sleep with Leo and this time it was entirely on purpose. It was no longer just because Leo had asked him, this time he had his own selfish reasons and he was very aware of them. They confused him and made him dizzy but he chose not to think of it for his own mental peace.

When Raph and Mikey had gone to bed, Donnie made his way in silence to Leo's room.

"So… what do we do?" he asked his older brother once he was laying next to him. Even then, he still waited for his leadership.

"We sleep, i guess. Isn't that why we're here?"

Donnie felt like an idiot for even asking.

"Yeah, alright. Good night, then."

"Good night."

He turned around and released a sigh. This was even more awkward than the first time. For a moment he asked himself what the point of going there even was.

And then he felt Leo's arm slide around his waist behind him, and he felt him hide his face on his shoulder. He felt their bodies pressed together and out of nowhere a warm feeling invaded his chest.

He felt at peace and overwhelmed all at the same time.

He loved Leo. How could he not? For a majority of his life, his family was the only thing he had. They were his strenght, his happiness, his tears, his weakness. His everything.

There were moments when he would look at his siblings and think to himself how lucky he was to have them, moments in which his chest was filled with the purest kind of love imaginable, but this was definitely one of the most intense. He couldn't see Leo, but he could feel him, and the experience was almost too much to handle.

He loved Leo because of course he would. He was his brother, his leader, an essential part of their weird little family. He was a part of his everything, even with their lack of closeness, and their awkwardness, and their tension, and their poor communication. It was still their Leo. His Leo.

And for a long time he thought he was okay with the way things were, thought it was enough to adore Leo from afar. But now it didn't feel enough, not when Leo held him like that, not when they were closer than they had ever been. Now he realized they could have so much more, and he refused to let go.

He wanted to feel Leo and he wanted to love him as much as he possibly could.

*

Their third night, Donnie was a lot more comfortable than he was the first two. He didn't hold himself back when he wanted to get close and hummed happily when Leo wrapped him in his arms in that way Donnie was learning to love.

This time, he dared to speak.

"Why do you think this feels so nice?"

"Because we're brothers and we like being with each other…?"

"Yeah, i guess." he said, not sounding too satisfied with his brother's simple explanation "But not really."

"Why, then?"

"I don't know. I'm trying to come up with an answer."

Leo offered him a sweet smile.

"I'm sure you'll figure it out. You always do."

"I just find it strange. We've never been close, not like this… but now, i feel like i need to be with you to even get an hour of sleep." he felt blood rush to his cheeks "Is that a weird thing to say?"

"No, i feel it too. It's like… you make me feel safe somehow. And happy."

His lips curved into a smile.

"Yes. That's exactly it."

" _How weird_ " he thought " _that our fearless leader seems to find me, out of everyone, to be a comfort_."

*

"I think we might be depressed."

Leo stared at him, both surprised and confused. Needless to say, their fourth night was off to a great start.

"What makes you say that?"

"When was the last time you felt anything at all?"

"I feel when i'm with you."

"What about when you're not with me?" he asked him, ignoring how deeply those words had touched him.

"Then i… i feel…"

"Empty?"

"Yeah… that's a way to put it." Leo conceded.

"I feel that way too." Donnie admitted. He knew both of them were struggling in the mental health department, but this was the first time he dared to bring it up. "Like there's a void and nothing has a purpose or a meaning. I feel-"

"Like shit. Yeah"

"I was gonna say awful, but that works." he says, letting out a chuckle.

"Well, what do you suggest we do about it? Go to therapy?" Leo scoffed and Donnie rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"Of course not. But we can't… keep this up. We should at least try and be happy."

"Our father is dead, Donnie. How the fuck do you expect me to be happy after that?!"

He felt his heart break in a million pieces. Leo's voice was shaky and he could tell he was holding back his tears. He sounded frustrated and angry, and it was clear Donnie's words had made him uneasy.

Yet again, he felt useless.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Leo sighed "Let's just get some sleep."

Donnie nods and turns around to avoid looking directly into his brother's face. He can tell by Leo's tone and by the tension that has been created by Donnie's own words that Leo probably doesn't want to talk to him, let alone cuddle. So he stays in silence and instead thinks of all the ways he messed up their conversation. Just when he and Leo were starting to form a bond, he had to go and make things weird again.

_"Maybe we weren't made to get along."_

Even with Leo's presence, that night he struggles to fall asleep.

*

Donnie feels weird after the little discussion (if it could even be called that) they had the night before. He wonders if it's even appropriate to go to Leo's room that night or if maybe they needed some space.

He considers going to his own room and try to get some sleep there, or even locking himself up in his lab like he used to, but Leo intoxicates his mind and he knows he won't feel at peace until he's by his side.

So, yet again, he makes his way to his brother's room. He tentatively gets under the covers and when Leo doesn't say or do anything to indicate he doesn't want him there, he moves a little closer. Close enough to feel his warmth.

"I thought you wouldn't come."

"Would you have preferred that?"

"No. I wouldn't have."

He feels like a heavy weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

"I'm sorry about last night. I was a little pushy and-"

"You weren't pushy, Donnie, don't beat yourself up. I'm just not in the right place and i didn't feel ready to… talk. It was too soon for me."

"That's fine. We can take it at your own pace."

Leo looks at him with guilt.

"I'm sorry. I'm being a pain to deal with."

"Don't say that." he frowns "You're just struggling. We all are. And when you're ready to talk, i'm here."

Leo forces a smile and nods.

"Just so you know, i think you're right. As always."

"Hm? Right about what?" Donnie asks him, tilting his head.

"About me. I think i'm depressed too."

Leo sounds defeated when he says this, like admitting to his issues was a reason for shame. Donnie feels awful at the idea of his brother possibly thinking he wasn't good enough.

"Hey." he tells him in a soft voice. He moves his hand to Leo's and gives it a soft, comforting squeeze. "I didn't say you were depressed. I said _we_ were depressed."

The way Leo laughs at his comment makes his chest warm up. It was sweet seeing him happy, even when that happiness was slipping away. Just a smile filled him with hope at that point.

"Okay. Then i'm not alone, i guess."

"Of course you're not." Donnie tells him with a smile, squeezing his hand again "If anyone knows how awful you're feeling, it's me. I get you. And we're gonna figure this out together."

Leo smiles at him and Donnie has to stop himself from tearing up. He had never seen that look in Leo's eyes, so filled with love and adoration. It made him feel special.

"Thank you." his voice is soft, genuine. It's the most beautiful sound Donnie has ever heard.

"Come on, you don't need to thank me. It's what brothers do."

Leo nods and then their conversation ends. It doesn't take long for both of them to drift into sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

"So what's going on between you and Leo?"

Donnie looks up to meet Mikey's curious expression. He frowns at the realization that he doesn't actually know how to reply.

"What do you mean?" 

"Well, duh, you guys seem so much closer these past few days. It's a little weird."

"You think it's bad?"

"Of course not! I'm just surprised, bro! I'm glad you two have each other" Mikey tells him, a bright smile spread across his face. Donnie looks at him and can't help but smile back "Ever since you started sleeping with him, you've looked so much better!"

His heart stops. He can feel blood rush to his cheeks and his hands began to shake. Of course, he knew someone would eventually notice but that didn't change how unprepared he was for when it actually happened. He felt embarrassed at the idea of his brothers being aware of his nocturnal visits.

"So you've noticed that…" he gulps anxiously.

"Duh! Of course we have."

 _"We."_ he thinks as he bites his lip _"Great."_

Why did the idea of his siblings knowing made him feel as embarrassed as he did?

"Right… well, it's nothing special really." he tells Mikey as he looks away. He was lying. It meant far too much to be nothing but he couldn't let Mikey know that.

"Alright. I'm just glad you're both doing fine! Raph and i were getting a little worried…"

Donnie nods and hums to himself. He wouldn't admit to it out loud but he knows Mikey has a point. Ever since he started sleeping with Leo, his mental state has more than definitely improved. He wouldn't call it good, but if Mikey had noticed the progress then it at least meant that he was on the right direction.

*

That night, Donnie finds it hard to fall asleep. It's a different kind of insomnia than the one he experienced before he started sleeping with Leo, it feels less depressing and exhausting and instead fills him with a rush he doesn't think he has experienced before. There's this warm feeling growing inside his stomach and going up all the way to his chest. He feels it harder whenever his eyes drift to Leo.

It's familiar, and yet he can't quite name it. All Donnie really knows is that it feels nice. He does his best to ignore the voice inside his head telling him those feelings are bad news.

*

Donnie has noticed that his closeness with Leo has started manifesting in places other than the oldest's bedroom. Leo now sits next to him whenever they're all sitting together to watch TV. Donnie is now the first person he calls when he wants a partner to train with. He now hangs around him when others aren't around purely for the pleasure of doing so.

Donnie finds it strange, like he does most of the things surrounding their relationship, and yet he doesn't dare to question it. He's starting to learn that things between them have started to change in weird, inexplicable ways and that those changes aren't something to be afraid of. They just happen, and Donnie has to accept them. But Donnie doesn't struggle doing so, he instead finds it easy to welcome all the things that come with this new dynamic he has with Leo, mostly because he likes them. He enjoys having Leo close to him most of the time and he's glad that things are the way they are. It's a change he doesn't mind getting used to.

He still can't help but wonder what it all means.

*

"I'm bored." Leo tells him one night "Let's get out and do something."

Donnie opens his eyes and offers his brother a confused look.

"Do what?"

"Anything. I just want to get out of here and do something, whatever it is."

"Go back to sleep, Leo, it's late." Donnie groans but his brother begs him with his eyes and he somehow finds it hard to resist "...Fine."

Leo's entire face seems to light up. He gets up from the bed and quickly puts on his mask. Donnie follows after him without much enthusiasm.

They silently leave the lair and run into the darkness of the city.

"So what do you want to do now?" Donnie asks his brother. Leo shrugs and offers him a smile.

"I don't know. I said i just wanted to get out." Leo jumps from one building to another and Donnie rolls his eyes. He's tired and isn't used to this weirdly playful side of Leo. He has no choice but to chase after him.

"Leo! Let's go home." he begs him, but Leo doesn't seem to pay attention to his words.

"Let's do something: if you can catch me, we'll go back." he yells at him as he runs and jumps from building to building.

"Then i guess i should get moving." Donnie mumbles to himself and runs after his brother. He comes close to catching him a few times but Leo always managed to escape him with agility. Donnie groans with frustration after the fifth time of his brother running from his reach.

"You're too slow." Leo tells him, his lips curving into a playful smile "What are you? A turtle?"

Donnie can't help the chuckle that leaves his mouth after hearing his brother's silly joke. He shakes his head and returns to the chase. Leo tries to move away from him, but by some miracle Donnie manages to grab his arm and jump on top of him to stop him. He laughs with pride at his achievement.

"Ha! I got you!" 

Leo chuckles and nods at his younger sibling.

"You did. Good job."

Donnie is about to make another comment bragging about his triumph but he's stopped when he realizes how awkward and weird their position is. His body is pressed against Leo, and his hands are keeping him pushed against the ground. He can feel Leo resting his hand on top of his leg and that makes his entire body burn. 

It scares him.

He quickly gets off from Leo and instead drops to his side. He forces out a laugh to hide how uncomfortable he feels.

"Are you okay?" 

"Yeah!" he rushes to say, ignoring how hot his face feels. "I'm just tired... we should get back home."

"Yeah, it is a little late." Leo gets up from the floor and offers Donnie his hand to help him stand up. Donnie accepts it. "Sorry for taking you out of bed so late! I just felt like i needed this. I haven't done anything so exciting in a while."

"It's alright. It makes you feel good so i'm okay with it."

"So you would be okay with us doing something like it again?"

"Yeah. I think i can get used to that."

When they get back home, Leo falls asleep almost as soon as his head touches the pillow. Donnie stares at him for a while before finally closing his eyes.


End file.
